Don't Try

“if you have to try to try, if you have to try to care about something or have to try to want something, perhaps you don’t care about it, and perhaps you don’t want it.”

Listening to this quote hit me at my core. I have always struggled with discovering who I am as a person. I often fall into the trap of thinking that there’s a yellow brick road in life to success (see my blog post on this here) - that I have to attend a certain school just to achieve success, that I have to do this activity to achieve success, that I have to get this job to achieve success; and it is hard to stop myself going down this spiral of “what ifs” and “buts”.

Charles Bukowski’s philosophy really cuts deep into the root of the problem and I want to adopt it into my daily life and decision-making. His philosophy basically condenses into, “If you truly want something, and if you truly believe in it, and a life without it is not worth living, and if your heart compels you to do it - even if it means going through the challenges it entails, then go all out in pursuing it and do not look back. Otherwise, if you have to convince yourself that you are better of with it or if you have to force yourself to love doing it, then maybe you won’t love doing it.” For Bukowski, it was his unwavering passion for writing. And I think, for me, it will be my insatiable curiosity about the world around me and love for computer science.

“Too many writers write for the wrong reasons, … They want to get famous or they want to get rich or they want to get laid by the girls with the bluebells in their hair… When everything goes best, it’s not because you chose writing, but because writing chose you. It’s when you’re mad with it. When it’s stuffed in your ears, nostrils, under your fingernails. It’s when there’s no hope but that.”

Rather than worrying about making the “right” decisions to steer my life to success, I should instead maintain a pure and unwavering love for learning and let that be the guide for success. Let my own passion be the light to guide me to happiness - not some arbitrary path taken by others. The world is brimming with opportunity for those who seek it out and I will pave my own future by loving what I love and doing what I love.

“if the thought of not doing the thing hurts more than the thought of potentially suffering through the process, if the thought of a life without it or never having tried it at all terrifies you, if it comes to you, through you, out of you, almost as if you’re not trying, perhaps Bukowski might say here, try, and ‘if you’re going to try, go all the way … Otherwise, don’t even start.’”